AYA: 7 May 2018

Recently I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I really want to do and if I am doing what I want and if what I am doing will get me to where I want to be. I have also been thinking about where it is I actually want to be going. So yeah, a lot of heavy thoughts are crowding my mind. Even as I sit here and write this, it is distracting me from my work. By the way, I started this post around 10:30 am while I am technically supposed to be busy with the actual work I am paid to do. I know that I shall be working on this post throughout the day, but I just reached the point where I needed to write this down and get it out of my head in a more ‘safe’ space. I know it is safer since this will only be read in a year and things should have hopefully settled by then and I will hopefully have more clarity on what I want and be making the appropriate moves to head in the right direction.

So what has got the bee buzzing in my bonnet? Well, a lot of things have been going on in the real world where my friends are concerned and some of it has made me really jealous and a tad insecure and others have made me so grateful for what I have and to really appreciate who I have in my life.

My bestie got engaged on her five year anniversary and I am overly joyed for her. I can not explain how happy I am for her and her now fiance. I can’t stop smiling when I think about it and I honestly am filled with joy and I am so excited for her. Yet, I am slightly envious. Today is the 5 year, 11-month anniversary for le boyfriend and I. We have been dating since I was 19 and I would like some form of commitment. I am not asking to get married just yet, but some form of solid promise would be great.

I am almost a quarter century (25) and I am starting to get really restless. I still live at home with my parents and I really do enjoy my job and lifestyle, I just want to get started with my life. I want to fend for my self with him by my side, in a place that we can call our own. I want to argue and snuggle and figure out our way before kids (if we ever have any) enter the picture. Yet for that, he needs to finish studying and I need to get a better hold of finances. I wish to start my own social media company, as in, I manage the social media accounts for small companies and help them build their presence online. I know how to do it and I am good at it. So this has added more pressure to le boyfriend which he does not need as he is currently trying his best. I know he senses my restlessness and we have discussed getting married and future plans but it is still all rather ambiguous and feels like it’s all just open-ended plans.

Then, a childhood friend of mine died recently. I did mention this last year on my social media platforms. He had tried to commit suicide, by shooting himself in the head. You would think that would be a sure end, yet he survived. He managed to live for almost 5 years afterwards but he was never the same and he was aware of the fact he was not the same. That was really hard. The fact that he is no longer in pain or suffering made me really glad that he finally passed on but that in itself makes me feel crappy. It is a complicated feeling.

Then there is his mom, I wish we were in the same country still. I wish I could hug her tight and reassure her that this was better for him after these five years. I am not good at the whole ‘comforting’ thing. It also just reaffirmed that although I am restless, life is not that bad and in all actuality, I am happy.

Then on the same day that my friend died, another close friend of mine confided in me about some issues that he was confronting. So rough day for the both of us. At that point, I was waiting for the message to let me know that my friend had died. So I called him up and told him to leave work early and come spend the afternoon with me. We were both in the need of a hug, distraction, talking and laughing. I am really glad he was there for me and I hope that I had been able to be there for him. This also made me really grateful to have another rock in my life that I know I can reach out to in times of uncertainty.

So the past few days have a turbulence of emotions. I also found out another friend of mine is expecting their second child (congrats to him! He really is a great father and I just know the second child will bring many blessings). I suppose this is the time of life where most of the people that I have surrounded myself with are starting to settle down and create their own homes and live.

I am currently trying to plan my day, I know I will cook something with rice for supper, when I get home I need to phone Telkom and log a fault since the line keeps connecting and disconnecting showing signs of ‘no internet access’ and I need to pay my new clothing account. I also need to exercise and shower before my tutor lesson which starts at 6 and then that will be followed by Bible study which might end around 9pm. Then there is the time and work that I need to catch up on at home since I took the time at work to write this.

Hey, I may do personal things at work, but I do work the time back in. It is just when this mood hits me if I don’t write, it distracts me the whole day and then I get nothing done. So rather the quick timeout and then I can focus and get what needs to be done properly.

As for anime, well I am currently hooked on Wotaku and found so many aspects that I can relate so easily too. I enjoyed the manga and the anime is doing an amazing job at bringing it all to life.

On the manga side, my app reset so I lost all of my manga so I need to go in and refind all of the series that I have been reading. Otherwise, I am not getting much reading done or much anime viewing in to be honest. The real world is rather distracting and I can feel the stress building. I am in urgent need of balance and routine which I am now fighting to build. Once I have a proper routine in place then I can take a breather and reassess what I am doing and figure out what I would rather be doing and where I want to be.

Now that is all said and done, time to get back to work (^^,)