AYA: 1 April 19

Today sees the start of a brand new, day one. I know I have had a lot of  ‘day one’ already just in these A Year Ago posts alone and for me that is okay. Each time I start over I get a little further than the last, whether by a day or by a week, I see progress.

March was a bad month, for a multitude of reasons, but the biggest one has been my mindset. The worst part of it was, I knew my thinking and actions were ‘wrong’ but I just didn’t care enough to change that. So a week of burning the midnight oil and serious stress-induced headaches later I have caught up on the work that I needed to do.

So here I am at the start of a brand new month desiring not to repeat the really bad habit that I seem to have been forming. I need to work at work and enjoy my time at home. Not waste time at work, kinda work at home and then stress in the bit of downtime that I do actually have. It has reached the point where I am looking at what I want to do and what I need to do and not really knowing where, when or how to start with that so I do neither.

I waste my time.

I watch random videos on YouTube that I don’t really want to watch. I spend hours scrolling through Facebook feeds questioning why am I doing this. As I read I drown out the world by diving into all the wonderful (and not so wonderful) fantasy worlds out there in manga, webtoons, novels. I dive straight into those other worlds so I can escape my own.

Thus after a conversation with a really good friend, I decided enough. I have been wallowing for long enough. So yeah, today is day one.

Day 1 – wake up

I woke up on time and went back to sleep, but then I woke again and read a couple chapters of manga and then I forced myself to get up and shower, shave. wash my hair and get ready for work. Yes, I was still running ten minutes late and could not dry my hair but I did not get out of bed the time I needed to leave my house.

Day 1 – Work

I ate breakfast, while it was at work I still ate. Then during a really long status meeting with my boss going over all the work from the past three months, I worked during our pauses. I didn’t read a chapter or two like I was so tempted to do. I could have so easily pretended. However, I knew I made a promise to a client and that I needed to deliver on that promise. I always deliver on what I need to at work but recently that has been becoming really hard to do at a level that I am proud of. I have been neglecting quality and originality to quickly do what needs to be done due to being behind. But today, I actually managed to achieve most of the goals that I had set for myself.

Day 1 – Gym

I had also made plans to meet up with my bestie at the gym after work. Yet I saw a storm rolling in and figured she would probably cancel. A rather significant part of me hoped she would. Then I would have an excuse to go straight home. I wouldn’t have to go. As I suspected, she cancelled as we both don’t like driving in rainy weather. Work ran late and I left half an hour later than I normally do. Everything was set up for me to just drive straight home. To pass the gym, ignoring the place as I had done the entirety of March. But today is the 1st. Something I had instilled inside of myself when I first got my membership stirred.

I wanted to know my stats. How much do I weigh? How underperforming am I? What is my metabolic age? A single test would give me all the answers I was seeking and I only do it on the first of each month. A weird way, but I made it to the gym.

After arriving I changed into my gym gear and did the test. Annoyed by the results but not surprised at all I went to the toning circuit. The effort it took upset me. I had been able to do the circuit easily before on the weight level I did today. Not surprising since it is close to 6 weeks since I did any form of movement close to what you would call exercise. After the circut, I went home and cooked up some fish and veg with a tiny amount of rice. I ate, watched episode 13 of Mob Psycho 100 season 2 and then had my second shower of the day.

Day 1 – Results

Now it is 9pm and I am feeling good. I have not felt this way in over a month. I could cry. I have felt overwhelmed for quite a long time and while I knew this, I didn’t exactly realise or acknowledge it. I thought I couldn’t push myself, that I was just too tired and felt blegh. Yet, here I am, after 15 hours of pushing myself feeling good. I know tomorrow is a whole different story but I have my goals and I want to reach them. I have planned with my bestie to go to the gym, I might go with my boss to the Comic Warehouse to take photos of a vegan restaurant so I am hoping that I will have another ‘good’ day or at least a productive day. I am now tired of being tired. So, I aim to look after myself, well at least until my next dive.